Yesterday was a beautiful, sunny day in the city of Cardiff so I spent two hours sat in a dark room watching a film. Let me tell you about it:

In Predator, a group of soldiers have their holiday in a central American jungle ruined by some vagina faced allegory for the Viet Cong. They are picked off one by one until Arnie batters it to death.

This time we’re lumbered with an unsympathetic group of cold blooded murderers being hunted for sport. And what a lovely, all the colours of the rainbow group of murderers they are. They are, in no particular order:

  • Academy Award Winner Adrien Brody as Arnie in Predator. Really. He is actually playing the Arnie role. He is more convincing as a human man than Arnie ever was but also more convincing as a rubbish human man. At least whatever Arnie was doing was likeable.
  • Alice Braga as a cheaper Michelle Rodriguez and/or the girl in The Running Man. She shoulders the humanity side of things while Brody is off being a selfish dick.
  • Danny Trejo as Diet Danny Trejo. This is the first time I have seen a film where Danny Trejo seems like a man you could leave your kittens with without them mysteriously getting eaten. This is wrong.
  • Oleg Taktarov as The Dude With The Gattling Gun. He is no god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus.
  • A Yakuza who literally finds a samurai sword lying about on a distant planet
  • An African mob boss type who has a feel for jungles because all Africans ever bloody love jungles
  • A twat
  • Topher ‘Fucking’ Grace saying fuck all the time and keeping the unique blend of smug and creepy I hate having poured into my eyeballs. However, I am very excited about his forthcoming Untitled Topher Grace Being Slowly Pulled Apart By Fish Hooks In 3D Project
  • and Laurence Fishburne as a sleep deprived Charlie Brooker. He seems to think he’s playing Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, bless him.

 They are in a jungle. So are some Predators. Some live, some don’t, not enough of the latter are Topher Grace.

If you thought that was all, you’re in luck. They also threw in some of the worst dialogue of all time. Here’s something from the Memorable Quotes page on IMDB:

We’re being hunted. The cages, soldier, all of us. We were all brought here for the same purpose. This planet is a game preserve, and we’re the game. In case you didn’t notice, we just got flushed out. They sent the dogs in. Just like you would if you were stalking boar, shooting quail. They split us apart and they watched. Testing us. 

That’s a MEMORABLE QUOTE. All the dialogue is like this. Short staccato sentences. Straight to the point, dealing in fact, curt. Nobody is going to be yelling that shit. It’s no ‘If it bleeds, we can kill it’ or ‘GET TO THE CHOPPER’

Later on, Adrien Brody recounts a time he went to McDonalds: 

We went to McDonalds. We all went. I ordered first. Bacon double cheese burger meal. Extra large. So hungry. I can taste it now. She put my food in a bag. I was eating in. No need for a bag. Wasteful. They didn’t have sauce. I drank Sprite. You have to get the straws separately. Someone stole my fries.

Actually, that doesn’t happen because there is NO TIME. Everyone is too busy slowly walking somewhere only to find they have been followed by Predators using their special ability to walk after noisy humans in a jungle. Then someone dies.

After a goddamn age (die QUICKER, you one dimensional bastards), someone decides instead of getting killed, it might be a good idea to kill the Predators instead.

So they do.

And that’s it. Utter nonsense. But enjoyable nonsense. I give it a perfectly fine out of ten