‘Neighbours’ is a teatime Australian soap opera, much beloved of students, the unemployed and children.
Over the years, it has developed a logic unto itself. Here are some examples:
1: Harrowing incidents in life are very quickly forgotten
1a: Unless it’s the death of a loved one. This loved one is always mentioned to potential replacements. Potential replacements always accept they cannot compare to the dead true love
1b: If they happened before you moved to Ramsey Street, they will define your existence
2: Dr Karl is the only Doctor in Erinsborough - a GP, in the hospital, in A&E and in ambulances. Also, Australia’s only counselor, hypnotist & women’s health specialist
2a: Anyone else who treats a Ramsay Street resident will be crooked, a fraud or an incompetent
3: Toadie suffers some rehabilitating emotional trauma every year
3b: Toadie will recover from said event without therapy
3c: Toadie will then remain good friends with the instigator of said trauma and, if they are female, will occasionally marry them
4: There are 2 beds in all of Erinsborough Hospital. Luckily, the maximum number of ill people at any one time is less than 3
4a: All babies are born in the same bed
4b: If two people are simultaneously injured, Erinsborough Hospital will move the walls to ensure both beds are in the same room
4c: Unless one of these people injured the other. In that case, they’re in rooms facing each other. Well wishers of both parties share a waiting area where they can argue
5: When you leave, the only place you can go is Queensland
5a: When you go on holiday, the only place you can go is London. Here, you will meet more British celebrities than ex-Ramsay Street residents or Londoners
6: Cancer strikes Ramsay Street residents in the same way pneumonia strikes regular people. It’s rough, you can die from it, but it’s unlikely once diagnosed
6a: Men in Erinsborough will get The Cancer, an illness that does not start in any specific part of the body
6b: Women, however, will get breast cancer and breast cancer only
7: Disability, paralysis, amnesia and mental health issues can be shaken off with a bit of time and determination
7a: Recoveries will always be full and instant. They will also coincide with a major event
7b: Everybody acts like a day rarely goes past without them seeing someone fully regain their ability to walk on their wedding day
8: Every resident of Ramsay Street could sleep comfortably in the Kennedy household
11: The longer you are on Neighbours the more likely you will get amnesia
12: Karl Kennedy is always first to the scene of any accident
12a: If Karl can’t save you, nobody can
13: Erinsborough High only has one classroom and never more than two teachers
13a: Registration, classes and detention all take place in this class.
13b: Anyone not employed by or attending Erinsborough High still manage to get lost on visiting
13c: Erinsborough High also has stairs to a floor that is neither seen nor spoken of. Pupils are regularly seen walking down stairs but never up
14: Anyone who displays talent will be shipped off to a proper school
15: Any woman incapable of having a baby will have a baby
15a: Either mother or baby will nearly die in the process. Both will survive
15b: All babies born in Erinsborough Hospital will be born in the same bed
16: Neighbours have an uncanny ability of entering another person’s house just as their conversation with someone else is coming to a natural end
16a: Since they are quite happy to breeze into each others houses, this leads to people overhearing private conversations. The anger is never directed to the individual who walked into the home of another
17: There are other houses on Ramsey Street of which the residents are unknown. These houses are not spoken of
18: It doesn’t matter if you beat Helen Daniels to death with a spade; if Toadie is your lawyer, you won’t go to jail
18a: If Tim Collins is your lawyer, you will go to jail
19: Nobody knows what day it is
19a: On Saturday and Sunday, Erinsborough is shut and everyone is placed into deep sleep
20: If you’re sad, you’ll go to the lake
20a: If you’re really sad, you’ll try and catch a bus
21: If you aren’t in the opening credits, you won’t be around for long
21a: The opening credits know who will fall in love and live with who before anyone else
22: A crime wave in Erinsborough is inevitably started by the newest person to arrive
22a: That person’s introduction to Ramsay Street is often an apology
22b: Moving to Ramsey Street is the first and only step needed to be completely cured of your criminal instincts
22c: Australia’s ‘Move To Ramsay Street’ programme is the single most successful means of rehabilitating criminals in the world
23: Paul Robinson’s fake leg sometimes grows back
24: If you don’t live on Ramsey Street, you are either in a short term relationship with a Ramsay Street resident, evil or both
25: Anyone driving a car while at night will get stopped by the police
25a: Which results in a warning if you know the officer you’re stopped by and a night in the cells if you don’t
26: There are only ever two police officers in Erinsborough at one time. Only one talks
26a: If one of these police officers lives in Ramsay Street, there will be a sudden increase in crime
27: Despite the lack of competition to cover local current affairs, the Erinsborough News is always near to closure
28: The charisma free retard who takes his shirt off all the time is always very popular with the ladies
29: If you get sent to University or a boarding school, you are never seen or heard of again. You do not return if you’re having a bad time, have a holiday, would like to see your friends and family or need your washing done
29a: If you’re deemed worthy, a University is custom built for you within walking distance from your house.
29b: Once accepted for attendance at this University, all your friends and neighbours will suddenly remember lots of important things they have to do at said University
31: Despite only receiving patronage from Ramsay Street residents, businesses in Erinsborough rarely suffer financial problems
31a: Contrarily, Grease Monkeys is still open despite being shunned by all Ramsay Street residents
31b: Other people will attend restaurants and bars but will sit in the background, silently mouthing at each other
32: Characters you really want to get hit by a bus will stay on the show. Your favourites will leave or die
33 (The Marlene Kratz Law): If you go away on a cruise for 3 months, you’ll never return and people forget you existed
34: If you live on Ramsay Street you are either a mechanic, vet, teacher, policeman, nurse, doctor, Aussie Rules player or owner of a company based in the Lassiter’s complex
34a (Lou’s Example): Over a long enough time scale, you can have all these jobs, possibly all at once
35: All kids on Ramsey Street are always in the same class despite obvious age difference
35a: If some of these kids are from the same family, they will be twins but this will rarely be openly referred to because they may suddenly not be twins anymore
36: Nobody ever has sex
36a: (Rosie’s Law) This can lead to confusion over whether one is pregnant or not
37: When two members of the same gender argue, it’s because they dislike each other. When two members of opposing genders argue, it’s because they’re about to have sex with each other
38: Comedy storylines are never comic and barely story lines
38a: These story lines typically form 60% of a Neighbours episode
38b: This has been every story line Lou Carpenter has been involved in since the last time he was married
39: Any glasses wearing girl with their hair tied up will be drooled over after letting her hair down and taking off her glasses
39a: Of late, any girl not wearing makeup will suddenly be drooled over after applying makeup (poorly)
40: Libby’s relationships with men end and restart so quickly, it occasionally causes strobing (1a is usually invoked)
41: If you look good in your underwear, you are going to spend a lot of time in Lou Carpenter’s pool
41a: Despite regular near drownings in said pool, no safety precautions will be introduced.
41b: If you cannot swim, this is the only place in Erinsborough you will learn. This will usually lead to you attempting to swim in other nearby pools of water, lakes, sinks, puddles and, in extreme circumstances, the Pacific
42: There is only one bar in Erinsborough. Since every resident spends every lunch time and night after work there, there is scope for a competing bar to open in the area
42a: All entrants to the bar only order one drink and never consume it
42b: Bar staff are reluctant to ask for ID and are quite happy for school children to attend
43: All businesses exist in the Lassiter’s complex
43a: Local business owners often offer jobs to the first Ramsay Street resident that enters, directly contravening employment law
44: If you are a wacky guy, your name is going to end with an underwater creature, typically a fish
45: Despite being from a wide range of backgrounds, pupils at Erinsborough High always fall in love with each other
45a: Due to a lack of common ground, they will argue constantly
45b: Due to a lack of alternatives, they will always get back together
45c: Unless you’re Zeke Kinski, in which case you’re always bumping into hotties from outside of school. They all instantly fall for him but, since they don’t live on Ramsay Street, don’t last long
Thanks to Sianz for at least half the suggestions
